I still have a headache. Sometimes it is almost not there, while at other times that is all there is (…) No matter what I do, it never goes completely. I have tried everything. I’ve taken ibuprofen, drunk litres of water, had lavender-scented baths, lain in the dark, rubbed my temples in slow circles, slow-breathed, listened to lute music and the sound of waves on a beach, meditated, did a stress-relief yoga video course where I repeated the mantra “I am safe, it’s okay to let go” about a hundred times until I felt terrified of my own voice, watched brain-dead TV, stopped drinking caffeine, turned the brightness down on my laptop, but still the headache stays, as stubborn as a shadow. (Haig, 2017, p45)
To clarify, a headache is a pain that occurs in the head. Migraine, on the other hand, is a complex neurological condition with a number of symptoms that nearly always includes, but is certainly not limited to, pain that occurs in the head. Here’s the important bit, in terms of this quote: it doesn’t go away.
Does this mean that, like Tom, all people with migraine are in pain all the time? No, it does not. What I’m trying to say is that it’s a long-term condition with peaks and troughs. When I’m symptomatic I try not to say I’ve got “a migraine”. If I’m going to use the indefinite article it would be much more accurate to say I’ve had a migraine on and off since 1991. Sometimes there will be very obvious attacks and sometimes there will be blissful periods with no symptoms at all but migraine is always there. I’m always on the lookout for it and it always affects my life, whether I’m experiencing symptoms or not. This is why I like the words “it never goes completely…stubborn as a shadow”.
Another thing I like about the passage is the list of things Tom has tried. It might seem long but many people with migraine will have gone through a good deal more options than these before finding what works for them, if anything at all. It’s also strikingly reminiscent of the suggestions a person with migraine will hear throughout their lifetime from the well-intentioned but uninitiated. I’m not saying that caffeine is not a trigger for some people or that relaxation isn’t important but it’s often much less simple than the view from the outside might indicate. The existence of lists like these is testament to that. It’s not clear whether Tom embarked on his unsuccessful treatment plan on his own or if he was guided by others. I sympathise with him regardless. There is merit in the search but it’s also exhausting. At some point it is wise to acknowledge that your own neurology is against you and cut yourself some slack.
The final point I want to make about Tom’s description concerns a phrase at the beginning of the selection. “Sometimes it is almost not there, while at other times that is all there is”. My migraine symptoms vary wildly. I do have a lot of pain-free days but also a number of days when pain and other symptoms make it hard, but not impossible, to function. In addition to this there are rare days when there seems to be nothing but pain, no matter what I try. Moment after moment is filled with it, leaving no room for anything else. It really does feel like the pain “is all there is” and it’s brutal. To find such an accurate description of it in print is strangely uplifting.
To finish, I would like you to do me a favour. I don’t want you to dwell on the drearier side of my faulty nervous system. Instead I would like you to consider that, by sharing our afflictions, whether through pop music, poetry or blog posts, we can connect with one another in more meaningful ways. I hope that is what I’ve done here.